After I was discarded not once—but twice—from my gay narcissistic relationship, my domestic life with the Gay Narcissist carried on as if little actually changed.
Oh, sure, the words were said and the proclamations were made. The relationship was over. It was not working anymore. The Gay Narcissist moved on to a new partner, the New Supply, and they were happier together then was ever possible between us. I was delusional to think otherwise.
But those were all words.
The actions themselves between the Gay Narcissist and I changed little. Verbally, he and I were no longer a couple. But judging by our daily routines, everything was largely still business as usual.
A Rationalized Life
At the time of my final discard, the Gay Narcissist and I still had a little over seven months left on our shared lease. And he had no intentions of moving out. Narcissists loathe inconvenience and avoid it at all costs. Combine that with their pathological sense of entitlement and you’re faced with an immovable object.
From the perspective of the Gay Narcissist, our relationship crumbled because of forces outside of his control. On top of that, he innocently fell in love with the person he was meant to spend the rest of his life with. What exactly did he do wrong that warranted his leaving?
Besides, the Gay Narcissist knew I would never insist he leave.
He was right.
The life I built, maintained, and wove rationalizations around was brought to ruin in an instant, and I did not know how to cope with it. Keeping the Gay Narcissist close and carrying on with some semblance of the life we once had together was my default mode, as farcical as it was. This made the beginning days of the narcissistic discard pass a bit easier, so I did not challenge myself much on my actions.
The Gay Narcissist was all too happy with the arrangement. During the week he had his domestic needs met by me—cooking, cleaning, shared rent, pet-sitting, grocery shopping, and a familiar person to talk to.
But when the weekends arrived, the Gay Narcissist would pack up his car, hop behind the wheel, and drive off to meet with the New Supply. He compartmentalized me away so he could focus all of his energy on love-bombing the New Supply with sex and adoration.
Everything was working out just fine for the Gay Narcissist.
As for me—I was regularly nauseous from all of the drama and chaos.
Clashing Paradigms
The common wisdom shared with me was always the same.
Either he goes, or I go.
That was the only way I’d move on and finally get over all of the drama and upset caused by the gay narcissistic relationship and discard.
But I simply was not ready. I didn’t know how to be ready. I could not reconcile all of the words spoken and the actions taken with the fact that so much was still in tact.
The reminders always came, though. Just when I’d settle down to share a meal with the Gay Narcissist in the beginning weeks of our post-discard cohabitation, he’d frantically check his phone.
“I’ve got to take this,” he’d say. And then he’d get up and disappear into another room. I’d hear muffled speaking and chuckling. Of course, I’d listen in as closely and intently as possible. It was always the New Supply. With that, reality would give me a shake and a slap.
My chest would tighten. I’d feel tremors quake through my torso, specifically my arms. I’d get dizzy and feel nauseous all over again.
I could not handle these two clashing paradigms of cognitive information—one being that nothing had really changed, and the other being that everything was forever changed and I refused to see it.
I was experiencing cognitive dissonance.
Avoiding Inconvenience
Acceptance is tough.
I refused to accept that my years-long gay toxic relationship was finally put out of its misery, and the Gay Narcissist was simply reaping as much stability and comfort from me as possible until the lease was up.
He was using me, like he always used me. That’s all.
Remember, the Gay Narcissist (and all narcissistic people in general) cannot stand inconvenience and will do anything possible to avoid it.
At the time, neither one of us were financially capable to walk away from a lease with over six months left on it. No narcissistic person would ever admit any personal fault, so he’d never consider finding a way to move out while not financially burdening his discarded partner. Why would he? In his mind, what did he do wrong other than leave a failed relationship and fall in love with his soulmate?
I fully admit I told the Gay Narcissist I did not want him to move out—many times. I even told him he owed me that much, to not do anything drastic enough to put me in a bind like that. It’s funny reflecting on such a statement now, since that’s all the Gay Narcissist ever did. I was asking a viper to be kind enough to not snap his fangs at me this one final time.
“I believe we can both be adults and make this work,” the Gay Narcissist said when I confronted him about continuing our cohabitation.
And so, the Gay Narcissist and I continued to live together during the week, and on the weekend he’d drive off to be with the New Supply.
Insight And Wisdom
Long after I saw the Gay Narcissist for the last time before moving out, long after I went No Contact with him, and long after I stopped experiencing emotional distress over the entire situation on a daily (if not hourly) basis, friends would asked me if I’d do it differently and move out sooner.
My answer was always the same.
No.
It was a torment, yes. Living with the Gay Narcissist during those months was a herculean task of mental fortitude, but I passed it. I’ve joked that if that did not cause me to loose my hair, nothing would (as I knock on proverbial wood).
But I also gained insight and wisdom during those months that I never would have otherwise. I understand the dark and abnormal personalities that many people have, and how to watch out for them and avoid them better.
It was worth it.
* * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
2 Comments
Thank you for this! I’m in a similar situation, though the house belongs to her parents and she has completely turned them against me. I’m trapped by a job I love in a tourist town where rent is impossible. Moving out is not an option unless I live in my car, plus the four dogs “we” have after eleven years (which I am sole caretaker of, unless they nap with her while she’s watching TV).
I appreciate the story I am directly relating to, as well as the resources you’ve listed at the end. I’m glad you’re in a better place now!
Hi Kat, and thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Understanding your situation and having full clarity of it is always the first step, and probably the most important.
As uncomfortable as it can be, once it all crumbles and is leveled, that’s when you can finally move forward. I believe you will figure out how to best navigate the situation.