A reader sent me this question:
Once you’ve realized you’re in an open relationship with a narcissist, how do you manage the emotions that go between not caring about boundaries anymore but also still caring about the boundaries because you haven’t fully emotionally detached from that person?
Ah, open relationships and narcissism—a favorite topic.
It certainly looks like open relationships (and polyamory by extension) have seen something of a recent increase in popularity. Now, just how many couples are honestly open versus cheating on the sly, I don’t know. My experience with this topic is from the perspective of a gay man—and they’re certainly all the rage among gay men. I’ve written (complained) before that it seems at least half of the men on dating and cruising apps are in some kind of open relationship.
I do have friends (all gay men) who are in open relationships that appear to work. They’ve been together for years, and their respective relationships gradually opened up as time went on. These couples all get along well, show respect to one another, and don’t cross any lines that endanger the relationship.
Communication is always key. That’s the golden rule to make any kind of open relationship work.
Ready for the but?
Because the “but” here is narcissism (or any kind of toxic pattern of behavior, character disturbance, dysfunctional personality style, and so on).
The questioner specifically wrote “narcissist,” and I believe people when they use that word. It is a word no one wants to utter when realizing a romantic relationship isn’t working out the way he or she hoped it would. It’s a word that means there’s a pattern of behavior at work that is very difficult to live with and unlikely to meaningfully change in a way that makes the relationship work for the person on the receiving end of invalidation and abuse.
So, with that said, my overall opinion of open relationships isn’t really a rosy one, and I won’t pretend otherwise.
A fair amount of open relationships exist on life support because one partner really wants it while the other goes along to avoid breaking up. That very dynamic makes it incredibly hard to maintain any kind of boundaries because you’re already placing yourself in a position where one’s needs are more important than the other’s. What boundaries are held in place when the power differential is already set in favor of one person?
Another important piece of open relationships is timing.
The earlier the open relationship starts, the more it raises my eyebrow. Dr. Ramani Durvasula has said on YouTube and in her books that narcissists ensnare their partners early, and once the target is hooked, he or she is then psychologically captured and collected, like a “butterfly under glass.”
So, early open relationships are usually a red flag. You should be bonding with someone during this time if you two truly love one another. You shouldn’t be hunting for fresh meat as soon as the warm and fuzzies fade a little.
I’ll pick myself apart as an example.
When the Gay Narcissistic Relationship I was in started, the early days energized me like nothing I had truly ever experienced. I equated attention and passion with love and intimacy, and I was putty in the hands of the Gay Narcissist. He molded me with complete ease. I had zero relationship experience plus a mountain of baggage—insecurity, low self-esteem, relentless anxiety, crushing body image issues, and constant inner voices belittling me. On and on the list goes.
But then the Gay Narcissist entered my life, and the love bombing he showered upon me was the sweetest of limerent heroin injected straight into my veins. It all stopped and went silent only when the Gay Narcissist love bombed me. Finally, I was worth something because someone else found worth in me.
You probably know how this story played out.
Eventually, the love bombing stopped because I was the butterfly caught under the glass. I gave up my apartment and moved in with the Gay Narcissist way too fast. We exchanged the powerful words “I am in love with you” within two weeks. And then, when we were firmly settled within six months or so, the Gay Narcissist dropped the idea of an open relationship.
He thought it would be fun to explore. Always together. Never alone. Communication was key. He never wanted me to feel uncomfortable or like our relationship was in jeopardy. It all sounded great and fun. I trusted him implicitly; the concept of boundaries was utterly alien to me.
But I cannot emphasize enough that an atomic bomb was dropped on all of that by the end of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship, when the Gay Narcissist discarded and replaced me with the New Supply. All of those (toxic) magic words appeared readily: entitlement, arrogance, validation-seeking, resentment, anger, impulsiveness, greed.
All of the promises made to me weren’t so much broken as warped and twisted. Whenever I did assert a boundary and bring up how I was feeling, the Gay Narcissist responded to me with curled lips, furrowed brows, and a low, acidic tone. He was always aggravated when I’d find the courage to communicate my feelings—and it always worked to his advantage. I’d drop it, he’d carry on doing whatever he wanted, my resentment grew, and the “relationship” rotted.
Returning to the original question, how can boundaries be asserted when the person you’re asserting them with won’t even acknowledge them to begin with? You’ll always get your answer plainly in these relationships. Are you ever heard? Are you ever cared for? Are your needs ever taken into consideration?
Evaluate the totality of what’s really going on between you and your partner. If it’s full of tension, eggshells, word salad, double-speak, stress, and rapid heartbeats (and not the lovey-dovey kind), then no boundaries are going to be respected regardless of your assertion. There might be a cooling-off phase, but once you’re feeling a little more level again, I fear the painful and abusive behavior will start again.
And if you’re no longer caring about your boundaries at all—why?
Are you giving up on them in order to keep your partner at all costs, or are you giving up on them because the person and relationship they exist for are no longer as important as they once were?
Boundaries are only as good as the respect they’re given.
