It would be so easy to pretend that all of my romantic dysfunction started and ended with the Gay Narcissist.
He was a mistake, I could tell myself. He never happened before, and he will never happen again.
But, that’s all it would be—pretending.
Yes, the Gay Narcissistic Relationship that I shared with the Gay Narcissist was the only longterm relationship I shared with another man. But make no mistake—I cycled through plenty of test runs before him. The problem was that I didn’t see, recognize, or feel a pattern emerging, a pattern of behavior that defined my own dysfunctional tendencies toward men I had strong feelings for. Hell, I was certain I possessed undying “love” for a select few.
Many of these men participated by telling me they shared the same feelings. Their words were strong and intoxicating. Professions of love were made, and declarations of how I was someone’s perfect “type” in body and mind were thrown out as freely as confetti. These statements were made both in-person and through texting.
But nothing ever came from any of it. The words were hollow and without action backing them up.
There was always a strong initial burst of passion and excitement, and our chemicals would start pumping and drown out our sensibility.
But it would always fade for the other guy. He’d pull away. He’d grow distant. He’d go cold.
And I’d panic.
My body was seized with intense quakes of anxiety. My mind searched for any possible rationalization to explain away all bad behavior to justify some fleeting—albeit deliciously intoxicating—moments shared with the men I so desperately wanted to call my own.
I didn’t know any better, and I caused much of my own suffering for it.
My Sisyphean Task
The concept of love has always been a bit funny to me.
I still can’t say I understand fully what it is, at least in an intimate and romantic way. Yes, I’ve read the words ascribed to it on plenty of blogs and in plenty of books during my own time researching dysfunctional, toxic, and narcissistic relationships.
But, still, I don’t quite get the feeling of it.
In my younger years, before I met the Gay Narcissist, I moved through several men who I thought were giving me love, but all I received was fleeting attention and a lot of empty words. But the emptier the words and the more fleeting the attention, and ultimately the more I had to chase to recapture what I thought I finally had—the more certain I was I found love with another man.
And so, I found my Sisyphean task. I eagerly accepted it.
There were two men prior to the Gay Narcissist who stand out, men I decided I must have in my life and chased with certainty.
Since I enjoy assigning anonymous-yet-whimsical monikers to the men of my past, I shall call one the “Unavailable Mentor” and the other the “Avoidant Cutie.” But here, the focus is on the Avoidant Cutie.
Enter The Avoidant Cutie
My brief but intense dalliance with the Avoidant Cutie started as suddenly as it ended.
We first met on a gay dating app, texted briefly, and decided to not waste any time in meeting. I didn’t have any expectations one way or the other, and so when we met that night outside the bar we agreed upon, I was taken by surprise at just how, well, cute I found him.
As his moniker implies, this guy had an adorable baby face, sweet smile, and innocent eyes. He was tall, lean, and a bit awkward. But there was also something removed about him, like he was avoiding open conversation. Though, he did admit to certain details I took note of, primarily that a prior boyfriend was physically abusive. At one point, he even invited his straight brother to the bar since he was in the area. When the Avoidant Cutie disappeared into the bathroom, I was left to converse with his brother. Casual conversation comes easily to me and he was nice enough, but it was odd.
But not odd enough for me to say I had enough.
Nay, I was only getting started with the Avoidant Cutie, and from the bar we went to a cafe, and then back to my apartment where he spent the night.
And then that was it.
I was hooked.
I needed as much of the Avoidant Cutie as I could get.
Quiet And Distant
My first dose of true avoidance in gay men came from the Avoidant Cutie the following day.
We made plans to have dinner the night following our initial meeting. I was excited, but also anxious. Was he going to really commit and show up? Was I going to see him again after that? And what about after that? Because I was sure I needed to be with him.
And so began some very unhealthy habits that have carried on for many years. Because when I tried to confirm plans later in the afternoon, the Avoidant Cutie turned quiet and distant. I told myself it was because he was busy at work, but that only tided me over until he started responding that he didn’t think he could go to dinner that night after all, despite being sure that morning.
My blood iced over and I unleashed a flurry of near-pleading texts for him to change his mind, and he eventually relented. We did, in fact, go to dinner, but it was a much quieter affair than I was expecting. He confessed to me that he didn’t have the best job or make a lot of money, assuming I did. He told me he was embarrassed he wasn’t “good enough” for me.
I tried coaxing the Avoidant Cutie back to my apartment for a second night, but he wasn’t as enthusiastic as he was the night before. He was tired and needed to rest, and I decided to finally muster up some dignity and leave it alone.
We went our separate ways.
Consumed Thoughts, Anxious Feelings
I saw the Avoidant Cutie one more time in person before he went on a trip to Europe with his mother.
It was a simple lunch date before he left, but he morphed back into the guy I met that first time at the bar, and he even grabbed my hand as he walked me back to my office. Before parting he hugged me and gave me a kiss, causing a woman walking behind us to say “aw,” and that we made a cute couple.
I agreed with her.
But that all changed when the Avoidant Cutie went on his trip. We exchanged emails instead of texting while he was away, but they were scarce. I didn’t expect him to flood my inbox, despite his reassurances that he’d reach out to me as much as possible. But the Avoidant Cutie was different when he was not around. He was as tangible has a puff of smoke caught in a breeze. It was impossible to get ahold of the situation, to know when and what to expect.
And this made me chase him all the harder.
I amended my own Thanksgiving plans to return home to the City early just to see him. I was quite literally in transit when the game-playing started, and the Avoidant Cutie started second-guessing our plans. Panic set in and pressure was applied for him not to cancel. I didn’t just want to see him—I needed to see him. This need consumed me, as if my very psyche would collapse if I didn’t get my fix of affection.
In the end, the Avoidant Cutie kept his promise after some goading, and we spent another night together. But the air was different. The energy had shifted.
I could sense that my brief few weeks with the Avoidant Cutie were coming to an end.
Euphoria, Followed By Despondency
A close friend of mine saw what was going and how I was behaving.
You need to get ahold of yourself, he said to me. You’re way too desperate to win this guy over, and you’r not yourself anymore. We walked the streets of the City one night to talk; I was glum and he was comforting. I don’t like what this is doing to you.
He was right, and I didn’t even fight him on it. I knew my behavior was wrong, pathetic even, and I was turning into the world’s biggest simp. It’s a pattern that would repeat for years to come.
A book I reference in many of my writings on this website about gay narcissism, gay narcissistic relationships, and gay toxic relationships in general (shameless SEO warning) is Dr. Alan Downs’ The Velvet Rage. It was one of the most eye-opening books I’ve read in the past decade, and I’ve reread sections of the book many times over, especially when I’m feeling out of sorts romantically in my current life.
In The Velvet Rage, Downs theorizes that gay men are generally burdened with a deep-rooted “toxic shame” over their sexuality and how it’s perceived interpersonally, societally, and culturally. And because of this toxic shame, we as gay men develop dysfunctional patterns and maladaptive habits to cope with it. Toxic romantic relationships are one of the most common, along with drugs and alcohol.
Even when we’re aware of what’s going on and we accept our sexuality, we still can feel the toxic shame and react to it because we haven’t learned to rise above it and cultivate personal authenticity beyond the shame. We need the validation of others to make us feel better because we don’t know how exactly to do it ourselves.
It’s always amazed me how quickly gay men move from relationship to relationship. But then I look back upon the absurdities of my own romantic past, and I am far from anyone to judge.
As Alan Downs writes in The Velvet Rage:
Two wounded men, both struggling to discover themselves and desperately lacking in skills and role models, come together to find love. It is a tragic recipe filled with momentous highs and devastating lows…
There is an extremely important lesson to learn here. Two deeply emotionally wounded people cannot form a healthy relationship. They may struggle, compromise, and even stay together, but until they each heal their own wounds, the relationship will always struggle.
And wasn’t that exactly what I was up to?
I’d say so.
For I felt (and still do somewhat) a deep and intense unease with my own person, and it only ever truly abated when another man acknowledged me as handsome, sexually appealing, intelligent, interesting to talk to, worthwhile to be around, and all the rest of it.
When I found that, I was euphoric.
And when I lost it, I was despondent.
A Gut Punch Of Truth
Just as it’s dizzying how quickly gay men can move from relationship to relationship, so too is it to be on the receiving end of it.
I’ve allowed myself to fall into dark holes of hopelessness and misery when I was basking in the affection of a man I was interested in one minute, only for him to go cold and quiet the next. What happened, and how could I get it back?
I never was able to get it back, ever, in any of these situations. An older and wiser me knows it’s futile, but I still struggle with letting go of men who I thought were more than they were, even when they clearly show me how little they care and are able to move from minute to minute in their own lives seemingly without care or concern for those they affect.
There’s an ambivalence in gay relationships that is gut wrenching. And, again, as Alan Downs writes about the speed of gay men’s feelings in The Velvet Rage:
“One day, he is the apple of his lover’s eye; the next, his lover acts as if he were not even around.”
That’s one hell of a gut-punch of truth.
From The Chaser To The Chased
Spoiler alert—the Avoidant Cutie did not last long.
It’s been so long, I’m not even clear anymore on the series of events that led to his chilly exit from my life—an exit that was as quick as his entrance. But there was a phone call where he told me once more about his insecurities, and some addiction issues were even mentioned.
Did that deter me? Of course not. I would see it through with him until the end!
Thankfully, he did me the favor of ghosting me. Sure, I laid on the sofa in my apartment staring at the television of days on end. I had the energy of a corpse.
But the weeks passed and I started to return to life. Unease was still there, but it lessened. Acceptance set in slowly that the Avoidant Cutie was gone.
He did text me one evening a week or two into the new year of that time. My heart skipped a beat and my stomach twisted in unease. He wished me a happy new year, and I did the same. And then that was it, I didn’t hear from him after that.
I decided to man up and turn the Avoidant Cutie into a life lesson. In defiance of my own toxic behaviors around men, I resolved to live independently and stop chasing men so desperately.
And that lasted for a few weeks, until I was the one chased…
By the Gay Narcissist.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
