Despite all of his conniving, manipulative, and controlling behaviors, the Gay Narcissist sure came off as pathetic a lot of the time.
How so?
Whenever the Gay Narcissist wanted something and I would not give in to his whims immediately, he’d try whatever tactic he could muster up. He’d make demands, toss around accusations, and slyly twist my words and manipulate my perception. These tactics usually worked, but not always. The obnoxious behavior sometimes triggered my own aggression and we’d have heated fights.
But you know what was a sure bet?
Pity.
No matter what, whenever the Gay Narcissist put on his “oh, poor me” act, it worked.
Always.
Every. Single. Time.
What’s The ‘Pity Play’ All About?
Dr. Martha Stout describes the “pity play” in her book, The Sociopath Next Door.
Stout warns throughout her book that sociopaths are deceptive and highly manipulative individuals. It’s often difficult to pick up on his or her true character—a character that will absolutely ruin your life if one passes through your defenses.
A sociopath’s true character is the absence of conscience.
Martha Stout estimates that four percent of the total population is sociopathic, so you have a chance of running into one sociopath out of 25 people—yikes. (Worse, some of her colleagues suspect the estimate is too low.)
Martha Stout warns, however, that one defining tactic employed by sociopaths to keep people under their control is the “pity play.” This is the closest you will come to finding a scarlet letter branding someone as a sociopath.
What exactly should you be looking out for?
If someone is shallow, manipulative, and they simply take and take from you with little regard for anything else (let alone your wellbeing), you better sit up and take notice. Most of us do, even if we are quick to explain it away with out own rationalizations.
Eventually you might have enough and start pulling away. A sociopath won’t put up with this, so he or she will appeal to your sense of generosity, forgiveness, and understanding by pleading for pity. Get ready for a laundry list of all the woes, troubles, and hardships that have assailed the sociopath throughout an entire lifetime.
In the words of Martha Stout from The Sociopath Next Door:
“The best clue is, of all things, the pity play. The most reliable sign, the most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to out sympathy.”
Martha Stout continues later on in The Sociopath Next Door:
“When deciding whom to trust, bear in mind that all the combination of consistently bad or egregiously inadequate behavior with frequent plays for you pity is as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless person’s forehead as you will ever be given.”
Never fall for it.
It’s an act.
The Story Of “Poor Luke”
I read The Sociopath Next Door years ago in 2019, and since then, one anecdote in the book always stuck with me.
It’s the story of “Poor Luke.”
When we think of the non-violent sociopaths, it’s the Tinder Swindler or Mr. Fox from Bad Vegan. Maybe Bernie Madoff. Jimmy McGill and Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul is solid example, too.
This is exactly what motivated Martha Stout’s writing of The Sociopath Next Door. It’s to warn us that all those without a conscience hide in plain sight within our everyday lives.
Poor Luke is one such sociopath, who targeted a woman identified as “Sydney” in The Sociopath Next Door. The recounting describes Sydney as a kind, warm, and accomplished college professor. Since she had a homely appearance, her self esteem wasn’t the best.
That made her a prime target for Poor Luke.
The handsome and charming sociopath showered Sydney with attention, ingratiated himself with her friends and family, and then swiftly married her after a dizzying whirlwind romance. Before long, Sydney was pregnant with a son.
She was ecstatic. Poor Luke was indifferent.
As time went on, Sydney realized that Poor Luke was a parasite, leeching off of her material resources for his own comfort. He was ice-cold toward her and their son. He was, however, very enthusiastic about her house—specifically her pool. Poor Luke would swim and sunbathe by the pool all day long. Even though he did not work, Sydney had to hire help to take care of the new baby because of Poor Luke’s unreliability.
Even after their ugly divorce, Poor Luke would still show up at Sydney’s house and quickly make himself at home. Despite everything he put her through, she put up with it.
Why?
Poor Luke used the pity play whenever Sydney tried to enforce the slightest of boundaries with him. He even used the pity play on their son to further guilt Sydney into letting him hang around the house day and night. He never failed to enjoy the pool when present.
It did not end until Sydney finally up and moved from her home in Florida back to her native New England for a new job.
The Pity Play And Narcissism
There’s a reason why narcissistic and sociopathic behaviors overlap.
The fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM-5) groups narcissism with sociopathy (an antisocial personality) into the Cluster B personality disorders.
For a refresher:
Cluster B personality disorders are a group of personality disorders characterized by dramatic, emotional, and erratic behavior.
As described in the DSM-5, Cluster B personality disorders include the following:
Borderline Personality Disorder: characterized by unstable moods, relationships and self-image, as well as impulsive behavior.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration.
Histrionic Personality Disorder: characterized by attention-seeking behavior, exaggerated emotions, and a need for approval.
Antisocial Personality Disorder: characterized by a disregard for the rights of others, a lack of remorse, and/or a history of criminal or impulsive behavior.
What am I getting at?
Once we get past the Diagnosis Obsession, we can see that narcissism and sociopathy overlap and present in similar ways.
The key word is behavior.
Individuals with these pervasive patterns of dramatic, emotional, erratic, and callous behavior act out in ways that sometimes send people running. So, tools are used to pull those people back in. And the pity play is something anyone with a manipulative and selfish personality will use, regardless of what that person might or might not be diagnosed as by a clinician.
What’s always important to remember is this: how do the behaviors of a person make you feel?
Let that guide you.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
