If only… If only… If only…
This was my mindset for many weeks during the Post-Discard Days following the end of the Gay Narcissistic Relationship. My former partner, the Gay Narcissist, had his fill of me and our time together. The time for relational execution had come, and he moved on to a new and exciting fling with my replacement, the New Supply.
But I wasn’t really asking myself why. I knew why—at least, I thought I did.
Me.
I was the why.
Everything was my fault. I fucked the relationship up with my many defects, and there was no one to blame except me. That’s what I told myself over and over again, day in and day out, from the moment I woke up in the morning until I fell asleep at night.
Sometimes the Gay Narcissist showed pity and lazily told me that I was wrong, and things simply didn’t work out and the relationship “got away” from the both of us. But it never took him long to seize on examples of everything that was my fault, and how it made him suffer in the Gay Narcissistic Relationship.
Funny, because the only sin he admitted to committing was not fighting to “save” the relationship when he sensed it was faltering about a year prior to the Final Narcissistic Discard. That’s it, though. Aside from that, as far as the Gay Narcissist was concerned, he was as innocent as a newborn babe.
I was convinced of it, too.
I never once hesitated in beating myself up psychologically. These were Opus Dei-style whippings I gave my mind all day long for many weeks after the Final Narcissistic Discard happened and the New Supply was installed. The earliest of the Post-Discard Days were rough.
But I deserved it, because it was all my fault.
If only I could change it…
The Fallacy Of “If Only”
There is no “if” and there is no “only.”
I promise you this—whatever crime you think you committed, whatever sin you think you perpetrated, it didn’t single-handedly push away your narcissistic partner. This reality takes a lot of internal wrestling before acceptance happens, because acceptance requires letting go of illusory control.
A narcissist makes all of his decisions for his own ends.
These decisions are always meant to please and gratify himself. If that benefits his partner, so be it. If it does not, so be it. And when the time of the Final Narcissistic Discard draws near, a narcissist will create whatever narrative he needs to so he can ensure he’s the victim and his partner is guilty.
Though narcissistic relationships are governed by chaos and drama, there’s more structure in them than you might think. A narcissist is always striving to control the narrative of the relationship to ensure he’s getting as much supply from you and those in his orbit. You’re kept in line obeying the narcissist’s desires and forever chasing after his wants and needs because he’s always controlling the narrative.
“It Was A Terrible Relationship”
Jackson Mackenzie, the author of Psychopath Free, also points out how common and prevalent “if only” ruminations are in any kind of toxic and abusive relationship. He attributes them to the “denial” phase of grief. But none of this is an exact science, and the message is still the same.
“If only” ruminations emerge from a target’s addiction to the intense love bombing and idealization that came out of the initial phase of the narcissistic relationship. The love story with a narcissist is so potent that it’s impossible it could end, right?
So, when it actually does end, and the target’s drug (the relationship and the validation of your narcissistic partner) is snatched away, what’s left?
A lot of pain and emptiness, that’s what. Time alone is punishing and deafeningly quiet, and you continually abuse yourself by reliving and reworking the past in your mind.
But as Jackson Mackenzie writes:
If you entire relationship was hanging on a few “if only” moments going different, then it was a terrible relationship. This means you were walking on egg shells, on the brink of a breakup any time something didn’t go according to plan. this is not companionship and support. It’s like walking a tightrope with someone judging you the whole time, arms crossed, instead of extending a hand to help you safely to the other side. And if you fall, then so be it. “In only” you hadn’t.
Well said.
“Remorse, Guilt, And Self-Deprecating Thoughts”
An excellent Sandra Says column by Sandra L. Brown from December 2017 in Safe Relationships magazine summarizes how the actions of another are not our fault.
The column in question—“Am I Responsible For How He Acts? Do I Drive His Behavior?”—emphasizes that we are not in control of another person’s actions. Whenever we wring our hands over past actions, we’re only tormenting ourselves.
To quote the column:
By the time the client comes to coaching from the aftermath of effects from the relationship, [she]believes the relationship, its problems and its demise were all her fault. She believes the pathological’s propaganda and has a lot of remorse, guilt, and self-depreciating thoughts about herself that ‘if she only acted differently then so would he’ and the relationship would be on better footing.
Let me ask you this… “If he had a brain tumor would you feel responsible that his body produced a brain tumor? Would that be your responsibility?” I doubt it. People do feel bad that someone else got a brain tumor but they don’t feel ‘responsible’ or ‘to blame’ because someone got a brain tumor.
So please, do what you can to quit the hand-wringing.
Because, I promise you, you’re the only one paying attention. The narcissist in your life does not give a damn.
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Confused by some of the terminology I use to describe people and places?
Check out the Gay Narcissistic Relationship Glossary for more information.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad—And Surprising Good—About Feeling Special (Dr. Craig Malkin)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
