When I started creating this list of signs indicating a potential discard by a narcissist, I didn’t have a particular order in mind.
I still don’t.
But as I compiled my thoughts and experiences on this topic, I noticed a pattern. I began organizing them in severity to your health. The points at the beginning of the list were more frustrations among small groups of outsiders to your relationship. And as the list moved on, the points became darker and more toxic to your wellbeing.
Well, I should say the four penultimate points are dark and harmful. The final point is one of self-awareness, which is what will guide you through any trauma a narcissist can inflict upon your mind.
05. Your Narcissistic Partner Is On His Phone More… Way More…Seriously, A Lot More
There’s no holier a relic to a narcissist in today’s world than the smartphone. But the amount of respect and devotion smartphones receive from a narcissist shouldn’t be surprising. These little glowing screens are a portal to unknown amounts of narcissistic supply, and to take that away would be taking away water from a person dying of thirst.
This one is tough to judge, because deceitfulness is a standard characteristic of narcissism. But speaking from my own experience, in the weeks leading up to my own discard and replacement, the Gay Narcissist kept such control over his smartphone that it was never not under his close guard. The screen was never, ever visible.
And if I made a comment about the strict security surrounding the phone, I’d be shut down quickly with accusations of paranoia and control.
04. The Future Faking Comes To A Sudden Halt
All of the promises about a future lived happily ever after? Done.
All of the assurances that the narcissist is your chosen soulmate? Over.
All of the plans of building a life together? Forget it.
This was all future-faking bullshit, and it was nothing more than a twisted scheme to keep you involved with the narcissist’s own plans until he no longer needed you. A stable long-term relationship is not something a narcissist wants, despite what he says. Such a commitment is too boring and too effortful to maintain, even when contributing as little as possible (which is what you can expect from a narcissist).
Narcissists crave sensation. They need to feel their heart beating faster in order to feel alive. Without a thrill to keep them energized, narcissists will wither away in the deafening quiet of their empty souls. And that won’t do at all.
Throughout the long bouts of devaluation, there are usually some intermittent spikes of idealization (those “good days” that lead you to believe the relationship is salvageable years into narcissistic abuse).
In the weeks leading up to my own discard, the Gay Narcissist would completely avoid topics of our future. Plans for vacations, long-term purchases, leases—he’d dodge these topic entirely.
Other times, he was blunt.
I fell suddenly ill a few weeks before the discard, and I was concerned the local urgent care would not take my insurance. The Gay Narcissist had much better health insurance than I did, and he often talked about a domestic partnership (never marriage, mind you) so I could share his benefits.
But he didn’t pursue it out of laziness, and I didn’t out of resentment, since he told me I needed to gather and complete all of the paperwork. After all, who was this domestic partnership for, anyway? It was all about the transaction.
So, when my health issue came up, I mentioned that maybe we should reconsider the domestic partnership.
And in response, the Gay Narcissist said to me: you had your chance for that, but you never pursued it. And now I don’t feel the same way about it anymore.
03. A Narcissist Starts Needing More Space, And It’s All Because Of You
Space between partners is vital for a long and healthy relationship. But it’s an illusion when you’re involved with a narcissist.
He will pull you in when he needs your supply, and then he will cast you aside when something fresher presents itself.
But when you’re pulled in, it can be a smothering experience. The texts never stop (and you sure as hell better be responding with the same frequency and interest). Every idea the narcissist has is one you must agree with in total excitement. You best be prepared to participate with the narcissist in everything he wants to do with zero questions or complaints.
But when a narcissist is planning your discard, you will quickly become a burden, an obstacle, and a nuisance. The proverbial ball and chain you are to the narcissist has never been heavier.
There will be monologues about how the narcissist is feeling smothered, how you’re controlling his every move, and if the relationship is going to work, you’ll need to back off and give the narcissist as much space as possible to do whatever he wants.
In the weeks leading up to my own discard, I had this very conversation with the Gay Narcissist. The talk was in the evening, and it lasted well over an hour. Poetically, the sun started to set as we talked, and nightfall was upon us when it ended. Ever since, I’ve called this defining discussion the “Sunset Talk.”
The conversation started with me very calmly and bluntly asking the Gay Narcissist if he wanted to break up. I had a moment of clarity and I was quite calm when I asked him. Looking back, I was waiting for and wanted him to simply say “yes.”
“If I wanted to break up with you, we wouldn’t be having this talk,” he said.
But the discussion wasn’t really a discussion. It was a list of demands, chief among them was for him to full-on date other people without interruption from me. This was the last great perversion of our ridiculous and oftentimes comical open relationship.
And before I could mount an argument, he began to list my many faults, which leads me to…
02. A Fat Catalog Of Your Faults And Failures Are Weaponized
Early on, the Gay Narcissist told me that a healthy relationship cannot occur if partners hold grudges and constantly catalog and weaponize each other’s faults and “bring up the past.”
It sounded like solid wisdom for someone as new to romance as I was back then, and I did my very best to uphold it. But I quickly noticed there was an implicit assumption that any discussion about anything happening in the relationship was an attack, and I was always shooting first.
The dynamic was simple. Whenever I did something wrong, I was chastised and it would be summoned up later on as evidence proving my diabolical character (full disclosure: I’m quite willing to concede there are some parts of my personality that are dark).
But whenever I did the same, I was accused of living in the past and waiting for a chance to pounce with contemptuous accusations.
He wasn’t wrong. My bitterness over his bad behavior day after day reached it’s zenith around the time of my discard. But because I could sense my impending discard and I was terrified of facing the world without a relationship as my foundation, I kept my problems largely quiet.
The Gay Narcissist, however, brandished his impressive selective memory by reminding me of all the perceived slights I committed against him, and how all of those faults were justifications for his future actions and demands.
01. Despite Everything, You Start To Wonder What Freedom Feels Like
It’s not all about the narcissist in your life, surprisingly.
You will inevitably begin to feel the narcissist pulls away as the discard nears. You will fear he has found new supply to replace you, and you will fight and resist.
But I also suspect moments will occur when you do consider yourself first, and what’s right and healthy for you—the narcissist be damned. These moments are rare, but they’re pieces of your subconscious breaking through. And the message is clear: your narcissistic relationship needs to end and fast for your own physical and mental wellbeing.
You’ll probably cast them off, deny them, and explain them away with rationalizations. But they’re still there, waiting to break through when you need them most.
I experienced these subconscious messages in daydreams throughout most of my gay narcissistic relationship. I’d have ideas of moving away, saying goodbye to the Gay Narcissist, watching the truck get packed up. I wondered about a new apartment where I could live alone, and what those Saturday mornings of quiet would be like.
I’d oftentimes be left with a feeling of joy after I snapped out of the daydreams. And once those visions became a reality, as I always knew they would I believe, I found that joy again in my freedom.
I hope you do, too, because it’s there waiting for you if you’re willing to accept it and move forward from your dark past.
* * * * *
If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
