As I reflect back on the end of my narcissistic relationship, the signs of my impending discard and replacement with new supply were all there and they were clear.
My narcissistic ex, who I call the Gay Narcissist on this blog, made it abundantly clear over the weeks leading up to the eventual discard that I was on my way out, and I was going to be replaced by someone else, an individual I call the New Supply.
While I was aware that there was devilry afoot, I explained away all of the uncomfortable and troubling feelings. After all, the Gay Narcissist always reassured me that no matter what, he would “always come home to” me.
Until he didn’t anymore.
Learning from my own experience of discard and replacement, these are some potential signs to watch out for if you’re suspicious your narcissistic partner is planning the same thing for you…
10. Cruelty And Callousness Are The New Normal
There’s little doubt that throughout your narcissistic relationship you experienced quite the range of moods in the narcissist you called “partner.”
But the cavernous lows did soften from time to time and you probably enjoyed some highs too—even if they were shallow and brief compared to the intensity of limerence during the love-bombing stage of your narcissistic relationship.
But if the lifespan of your narcissistic relationship has run its course and your narcissist is planning a discard because he has new supply waiting to replace you, then it’s a safe assumption that any and all paltry attempts at idealization will fade away, and the narcissist will fortify his position with total and absolute devaluation tactics until the final discard is complete.
In the eyes of a narcissist at this stage, your supply is spent and your utility is obsolete. He’s not going to waste any more of his energy controlling you when he has fresh new supply to keep in line.
If you thought your narcissist was cold and mean before, prepare yourself, because it might get a hell of a lot worse before you’re freed.
09. The Physical Appearance Of The Narcissist Starts Changing
Not only is the behavior of the narcissist going to change, but his exterior presentation will likely enjoy a makeover. New diets, new clothes, new grooming habit—if any of this contributes to a more suave and sexy narcissist, it begs the question… why now?
When a narcissist settles into an established and longterm relationship, it’s not uncommon for him to grow exceptionally lazy and maintain his appearance hygiene less. Basic care might fall behind, weight might tick up (especially if a narcissist has “vulnerable” or “covert” attributes), and his overall sex appeal might dull, at least for you.
But that’s because you’ve been caught. You’re now the butterfly under glass (credit to Dr. Ramani for this metaphor). The amount of effort put into winning you over is no longer necessary.
But when a narcissistic relationship runs its course and a narcissist is working toward replacing a partner by discarding and installing a new supply source, then his appearance will gussy up real fast.
08. The Narcissist’s Public Persona Grows Louder, While His True Self Grows Colder
This is related to the tenth sign, and can leave you feeling befuddled and angry. A loud, friendly, boisterous, and generous narcissist toward friends and family in public who immediately turns cold and nasty in private is a frustratingly common occurrence in a narcissistic relationship.
Based on my own observations, the public persona of a narcissist grows all the louder when a discard looms near for two reasons.
The first is the narcissist is infused with the energy and excitement of finding someone he believes to be the ideal partner and his true soulmate. Since narcissists are performative and forever seeking attention from external sources, he can only firm up his tumultuous character through the validation of other people. And if those people are not likely to challenge his choices, that’s all the better.
The second is preemptive damage control. By advertising himself as lively and vivacious person, who is really going to challenge such behavior? Who really cares enough to be that guy, asking what’s up? Most people smile, nod, and move on—which is what a narcissist wants. The discard of one partner for the replacement of another is rocky terrain at best, and the narcissist’s narrative is the easiest road to follow.
07. You Start Hearing A Lot More “I” And A Lot Less “We”
A narcissist preparing to discard a partner for new supply will start caring a lot more about semantics regarding his current relationship with you.
He might start throwing out subtle hints about his relationship status and how he views his future prospects by speaking only about himself, and no longer referencing his partner.
In the weeks leading up to my own discard, the Gay Narcissist regularly talked to me and others about his future plans, and I was omitted from them all. But I kept my mouth shut and questioned nothing. I acquiesced in an effort to hold the relationship together as long as possible, regardless of my own hurt feelings and bloodied integrity.
And in the days leading up to my discard, when he spoke at all, the Gay Narcissist made it obvious I was a burden that needed to be cast off so he could carry on with his life unhindered.
06. The Narcissist Is No Longer As Energetic As He Once Was… Toward You
As I’ve discussed before, my narcissistic relationship also took the form of a gay open relationship.
As such, the Gay Narcissist was often safeguarding and exercising his rights within the open relationship, even it that was just flirtatious chat on a cruising app like Grindr or Scruff.
The Gay Narcissist’s handling of the open relationship was a convoluted labyrinth of plots and justifications. He invested a lot of his energy in both searching for sources of fresh supply and then triangulating these sources against me for extra supply. The resulting effect: I felt that the stability of the relationship was under threat, and I worked all the harder to keep it together. The trauma bond was strong, and maintaining it was the Gay Narcissist’s great work over the years.
But this all went deathly still when the Gay Narcissist found the New Supply. A narcissist will conserve his energy and only spend it on those who will give him the best return on investment. Thus, if he has a source of new supply waiting to replace you after the discard, this is where the energy will go. You will likely be treated with a cold indifference at best, and you’ll feel like you’re living with a cellmate.
Read Part 02 by clicking here.
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If you’re interested in learning more about narcissism, toxic relationships, dark personalities, and sexuality, then I highly recommend the books below.
Please consider buying through the provided Amazon Associate links. While the content on my website is yours to read for free, I do appreciate any support offered toward my work.
The reading list includes:
Should I Stay Or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist (Dr. Ramani Durvasula)
The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap (Dr. Ross Rosenberg)
The Sociopath Next Door (Dr. Martha Stout)
Without Conscience: The Disturbing World Of The Psychopaths Among Us (Dr. Robert D. Hare)
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding And Dealing With Manipulative People (Dr. George Simon)
Being Homosexual: Gay Men And Their Development ( Dr. Richard Isay)
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming The Pain Of Growing Up Gay In A Straight Man’s World (Dr. Alan Downs)
